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"You were employee of the month. This month you're the firee of the month."

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

Though he created more than 300 products from peanuts, George Washington Carver was unable to change even one of them back into a peanut.

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

Bob had to confront his fear of butterflies.

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"All natural snow cones for sale."

"No writers were harmed or mistreated in the preparation of this story."

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

'This country is on the road to ruin.' - 'Well, it'll never get there in this traffic.'

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

"It's a cage. It's gilded, and I love it."

"You've changed."

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

"They haven't said two words to each other—it's sad... I hope we don't end up like that." "They keep talking to each other—it's exhausting... So glad we don't have to do that."

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

"It turns out everyone here is self-published."

"How do you do it, hon? Marriage, kids, civic responsibilities, managing a multi-million dollar business and still finding time to do an 18-month stretch for securities fraud?"

"It says: 'The teamwork that got you here is the real treasure.' Aww."