Intuition Admirer Pillows

She's good, but Mom's better.

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"As a friend, I pray you rest in peace. As a dog, I really want to dig you up."

"We're at the top of the food chain and rulers of all we survey. What could possibly go wrong?"

"Hey, remember a few days ago, when all this was unacceptable?"

"I'm the bad guy..."

He avoids wrath, envy, lust, greed, gluttony and sloth -- the problem is he's proud of it!

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"Just don’t tell the other vultures. I’ll never hear the end of it."

"Our new information management system has just worked out where we wasted most money last year. . . It was on the new information management system."

"Then, after college, I joined the navy. Wait, I think I hear him coming."

"I just need help getting the pit out."

"I'm afraid he left everything to charity... Oh, I see. I take it your name's Charity?"

Mensa Does Improv

'Do you know how fast you were going?'

"The UWS association for the advancement of A.I."

Magic Tricks

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

'Good luck, everyone! Maybe this will be the year somebody finishes the race!'

Caution: ironic literal proverb ahead (fork in the road)

"The last one is Uncle Charlie. He was pardoned in 1987."

"Police, this is the wife of Magi the magician, something's happened to him!"

The Smell of Fear

"Here comes the quote unquote dog whisperer."

'Don't worry it's organic...'

'And then, just to humor the guy I said 'I need a hug', little thinking that the big gorilla would do just that.'

First love.

"Beats me. They put up the sign and went to their panic room."

"There's nothing magical about if, actually I just have a knack for this sort of thing."

'Here comes Mr. 'Smarter-then-you'.'

Met Office: Wet today and dry tomorrow.

My child is a genius.

"They called me Dumbo. A memoir of redemption."

'The company I ran was non-profit, but that wasn't intentional.'