Interview Tipper Gifts

'I'm afraid you've failed the Turing test.'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

"So what makes you think you're the man for the job?"

"According to your resume, you've done just about everything except ever having a job."

"It says here that in your last job you did a lot of traveling."

"We can't actually pay you, but your work will get a lot of exposure."

"These are excellent qualifications... so good that our largest competitor would gladly pay you twice as much."

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

'Send in the next applicant Ms Jones.'

'We need someone bright, someone quick to take notice.'

"I'm fascinated by your résumé, particularly the advertising supplement."

'We're looking for someone who can multitask - but not during the interview.'

'You're hired. Go figure.'

'What else do you have going for you besides being aggressive?'

'Frankly, we're looking for someone very much unlike you.'

"...and before that, I was an embryo."

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

"This position requires someone with a thick skin... Well, do you think you're up to the job, big nose?"

'This test will determinbe which of you gets the position. Who wants to jump first?'

'We're not hiring. The company is just giving me some experience conducting interviews.'

"Do we need change? That's a $100 bill for a $53 check, Mr. Presumptuous."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'Oh, and if you really want this job, there's one thing you shouldn't mention.'

Your performance since you came here suggests you may have lied on your resume.

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

'We don't believe a word of this c.v... And we'd like to offer you a job.'

'You're going to stitch me up in this interview aren't you?'

'We have developed an APP we use to import ingredients from the Internet, merge them in the computer, and then download them into the distiller and then just bottle the output.'

"Mr. Kennings was going to interview you for the job, until he heard you actually wanted to get paid."

'You've impressed the interview panel, but our handwriting analyst has determined that you're insane.'