Interview Process Enthusiast Prints

'We're all intrigued by this 'special skill' in your resume - you really know how to fold a fitted bedsheet?'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"I've told you why I need a dog. Now suppose you tell me what makes you think you might be that dog."

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

Do you have any other skills?

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

"Allow me to respond to your question with a question of my own that I can answer."

Help wanted. Various positions available.

"I see you have a lot of experience in re-tail. . ."

'I was just beginning to think about my portfolio. Now you're telling me to rethink it.'

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'

'I'm doing a school report on 'the aging process,' Dad -- can I interview you?'

'How many words per minute do you type?'

'He will observe your text now...'

'It's a difficult position to fill. Someone who's smarter than me - and smart enough to pretend not to know it.'

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"

"Again, you may exercise your right to remain silent, but it's going to work against you since this is a job interview."

'You don't want the job, do you?'

"And where do you see your mustache in five years?"

'Have you got a resume?'

"Where do you see yourself five lives from now?"

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

'Congratulations, you've got the job. Unfortunately though, you'll be constantly late, and we'll fire you in two months.'

Don't use live interviews as rehearsals-practise and prepare.

I think you should go after my job!