Interview Process Fan Prints

"This is so much more fun than reading CVs."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'Still not ready to talk? Ok dip him again.'

"I've told you why I need a dog. Now suppose you tell me what makes you think you might be that dog."

Do you have any other skills?

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

OK! I promise that the questions will be easy!

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

Help wanted. Various positions available.

"I see you have a lot of experience in re-tail. . ."

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"

'I'm doing a school report on 'the aging process,' Dad -- can I interview you?'

'He will observe your text now...'

"Again, you may exercise your right to remain silent, but it's going to work against you since this is a job interview."

'You don't want the job, do you?'

"I'm looking for an assistant who knows my job, will do my job, and has no interest in having my job."

"And where do you see your mustache in five years?"

'Have you got a resume?'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"Where do you see yourself five lives from now?"

I think you should go after my job!

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate ... I'm flexible on location -- I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume --- I don't think you understand what that means. The octopus got the job because he was a great multitasker!

"How would you rate your toleration for risk?"

Infection Control Center. Now Hiring. I should have said "I'm not afraid of hard work" rather than "I don't mind getting my hands dirty."

Don't use live interviews as rehearsals-practise and prepare.