Interview Jitters Pillows

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

"I believe you'll like our company. We pay our employees time and a fifth."

'Don't be nervous, relax...he puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like you do. Of course, his pants are tailor made and cost $600 a pair...'

"I must say, that was a very detailed answer to my 'where do you see yourself in five years' question."

"You may have heard some very slanderous rumours about this company."

"How long have you been working from home, Mr. Farley?"

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

'Yes,I do have a question.. What kind of dental plan do you have?'

"I've got some skills - I'm just not sure they add up to a 'set.'"

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

"According to your resume, your last three employers are some of the biggest crime families on the eastern seaboard. I don't know what position you've applied for, but welcome to the company."

Virtual interview.

"Have you ever used a plastic straw?"

'I took the liberty of digitally enhancing my resume to make a mountain out of a mole hill.'

'Besides a great smile, do you have any other qualifications we could consider?'

'...it may be advisable to think of a referee other than your mother.'

"I love your enthusiasm but we were actually looking for someone who could do the job."

I've got to run to my job interview! Do I have spinach between my teeth?

"I'm afraid we don't think you're really henge material."

"We don't think you're management material."

"Where do you see yourself in 5 to 10 years?"

Number two pencil, pretending to be a number one, fears that his deception has been uncovered.

Ted's confidence quickly fades.

"We want someone who can lead in a crisis, but doesn't."

"I suppose my one weakness is I'm far too forthright, Tubby."

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'The parole board finally came through.'

"Where do you see yourself, say, five recessions from now?"

'We're looking for a candidate who is good at handling unexpected situations!'

"You understand that we screen applicants pretty thoroughly."