Instagram Sensation T-Shirts

"I'll have the sticky rack of ribs for my main course and something vegan for my Instagram post."

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"Are we going for suntan, personal development or being the envy of our friends on Instagram?"

'Oh, it's a long, long time...From here to November...'

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

Girl Band, "I wish you'd tell your mum we don't need her in the group!"

"The video of you eating my $700 John Varvatos got 300 'likes.'"

"Well, the alternative would be to use your social media accounts to promote toothlessness."

"I take it you got the lead in the school play."

'Hey,come on SIMON, DON'T go all shy now. It's not everyday you get the chance to meet your favourite Footballer in the flesh...'

"He's the one family member who doesn't care if I post hundreds of photos of him online."

Surfing kangaroo #1 Hawaiian shirt.

X Factor contestant dressed as a 'Y'.

Casting Director

'No you idiot! You're supposed to smash your guitar AFTER the show! What are you going to play now?'

"Can we fast forward through the 7th inning stretch?"

"Oh, wow, I almost didn't recognize you naked – you look so different in your person's Instagram photos."

Surfing Pensioner

Edinson Cavani

"Honey! Our 15 minutes of fame has been reduced to an unflattering gif on Twitter!"

"I promised myself I would never let this happen to me."

"Maybe you've seen my work. I've been on YouTube. I'm the drunk guy who lights his own farts."

"Do that again, but cuter."

'I love appearing on stage. My only regret is that I can't be in the audience to fully appreciate my work.'

"The baby is one thing - but how does the plant get more likes than me?"

Footballer's Luggage

"This next song's about our desperate struggle to please and chronic craving for approval. I really, really hope you like it."