Inheritance Pundit Pillows

"One day, son, all this will belong to the youngest woman willing to make her body my playground."

Cat and dog at a will reading.

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

"Look at their faces! What did they expect? They never visited her! Of course the will says her money goes to the cat shelter. . ."

'Don't worry about making your will, Miss Moneybags leave everything to me. . .'

"There's no need for your kitty to be envious. After state and federal taxes and legal administrative fees, Chessy's share of Aunt Martha's estate came to hardly anything."

Alfred Marquez, Probate Attorney - Heir club for men.

"There's no money in your uncle's will. You are, however, directed to maintain his 5 cats and Facebook account."

'Your uncle donated his brain to Harvard and, unfortunately, they used it to figure out a way to get the rest of his money.'

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

Jasper Coot: 'Osama shoulda named me to the Supreme Court! I ain't no judge, so I'm qualified! Hell. I ann't even a damn lawyer! But Lord knows, I am judgemental!

Al, you know how a lot of people in Britain regretted their decision to leave the European Union? I was just wondering if you ever regretted your decision to leave the human race.

"I got the cream, but the bulk of the old lady's estate is going to auction."

'He has his father's feet.'

Wall Street: Panic, don't panic

"For my will I decided to cut out the middle man and bequeath all my money to the IRS."

"Your aunt has bequeathed to you her collection of toilet paper, soap and towels from 385 hotels from all over the world."

Tonight's Lecture: Contesting the Will. It's going to be about either inheritance law or who really wrote Shakespeare's plays.

'As you know, your father liked the sport of Boxing...'

"Someday, son, all this crap will be yours."

'...and to you, he has left his leprosy.'

Law Offices. Ernie's client left his fortune to his dog, and his cat is contesting the will.

"Unless you really don't like one of your children, it's best to leave your debt divided equally between them."

'One of these days this will all be yours and by then it should be making a profit.'

"One day son, all this will probably belong to some little floozy you'll marry."

"Now, before we actually help them, let's discuss our partnership and method of assisting."

'Your Great Uncle has left you all his money in this family heirloom!'

'...and someday this will all be yours, Son.'

"As you all know your dear deceased Aunt Bessie was a very devoted cat lover...."

'Not a problem. Our industry is self-regulated. In fact, I'm scheduled to jump off the roof right after this meeting.'

'Excluding our little granddaughter who called me 'orrible old smellypops!'

"One day soon all this will be yours!"

She's leaving me all her money.'

"My father was a very succesful man. He left me enough money that I could marry an idiot."

'I hereby leave all my debts and overdrafts to the IRS. . .'