Inheritance Ironist Pillows

'...And to spare my relatives the burden of inheritance taxes, I've decided not to give them anything.'

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Lactose Intolerant

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Freedom comes at a cost. We must be willing to pay the ultimate price. Retail.

"To be honest, I don't believe in ghosts."

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

Cat and dog at a will reading.

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

It's a new government directive requiring us to be 58% more cheerful within 18 months.

"My career's in shreds, but on the bright side, so are my files."

"...our Annual Report has been criticised for lack of clarity - well done!"

Armed forces waiting with nothing to do.

"At First Infidelity we're all about integrity...."

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

Backlash industries: makers of the macro-chip, bigger, slower..and it even makes mistakes

Gary misread the new policy on 'Free Thinking' in the work place.

Man commiting suicide finds the treasure at the bottom of the sea.

'What about you...you've been living here thirty years too?'

''Science moves but slowly, slowly, creeping on from point to point'. Tennyson.'

'Of course I hired Andrew. He's the best divorce lawyer around! Unfortunately, he's also the rat I want to get divorced from...'

Profits - "On the positive side, our company has never been touched by any scandal connected with insider trading."

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

'Caution Speed Bump Ahead.'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

'Don't worry about making your will, Miss Moneybags leave everything to me. . .'

Why Superman flies himself

"Pavlov's dog: Friday night"

I'd like to talk about absenteeism.

"Its my letter of resignation. I also turned it into a memoir."

'Center for the Study of Murphy's Law' (Closed today because everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.)

'I believe we got your blood pressure back up to normal.'