Humorist With An Interest In Life Lessons Gifts

Those who indulge are about to bulge.

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Clown on bike.

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a buoy..."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

"I'm TRYING to extinguish my ego, but I feel so CONSPICUOUS up here!"

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

"Honey, have you seen my onions?"

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

"Believe me when I tell you that I'm not that honest."

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

"Thank you! That last tune took some fancy fingerpickin'. Apologies to those in the front who may have gotten a press - on nail or two in their drink."

'Then it's settled. We'll make 7 million with blue handles, 5 million with red handles, 4 million with purple handles and 2 million with green handles.'

'The guy at the end of the bar, would like to know if he can get you to buy him another drink?'

'Take a good look, Junior. When I was your age, I was 'Fun Size,' too.'

'Damn, I'm out of earshot!'

'Like you, I don't know why they feed us every day, but as long as they do it, I'll stay...'

"A man never stands so tall, son, as when he stoops to pick up a quarter."

"Roadkill cookies"

300 cows in a field...grazing!

'I'm sorry Timmy, but if I keep going for help, you'll never learn to take care of yourself,'

'I told you not to order the chocolate cream surprise.'

"You say we atheists are going to Hell? Look at all the f**ks we give... Go ahead... Look at them all."

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

"What do cows do in their spare time?"

Man in a tortoise shell visiting a psychiatrist.

'Before we begin, let me see what my fortune cookie says.'

'I'm trying to toilet train them.'