Humorist Family Friend Gifts

"No supper for him, Sonia. When little boys petrol bomb the neighbours car they must be punished.

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"The bad news is that I backed into a fan. The good news is my owner's a plumber."

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

"The couch hates me Jane!"

"Okay, you scared the babysitter...now get back in there and rinse off that toothpaste, and go to bed!"

"Such a refreshing day...I've spent 18 hours between napping and comatose."

'I have a limited vocabulary because I'm a child, what's your excuse?'

'Would you say your glass is half empty or half full?' 'Whose round is it?'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

"Why do small children ask so many questions?" "Why not? We need to learn, don’t we? Anyway it’s no big deal is it? Isn’t that what parents are for? You were probably the same, weren’t you? So why complain?"

'Another balloon animal? And who do you think ends up taking care of these?'

Teacher's sign in Philosophy class reads: 'Think', Sign in Science class reads 'Thunk' as student falls over.

"No thanks, mom. I don't think I'll have any broccoli short cake."

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

"I can skip my bath. On the way home I jumped in all the puddles."

'Is that IT? All this way for just the ONE?'

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"Tell Mr. Yeltsin I'd be delighted. Minister of what?"