Humorist Dreaming Pillows

Man trying to get to sleep by counting cloned sheep.

Cat with Lion reflection in mirror

"I'm TRYING to extinguish my ego, but I feel so CONSPICUOUS up here!"

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

"Yo, Ned Beatty, paddle harder if you ever want to kiss me again."

Large print e-book.

'Will you marry me, Gloria?'

'Goodbye, dear. This is the kind of day that makes you feel glad to be alive.'

'You say you're having trouble seeing into the future'

"Helen, is it possible that we are using our child as an intimacy barrier?"

"Your problem isn't the prescription."

"Yeah, your inner child called. They want a nap, a juice box, and a restraining order." "Ruining whoops, running a country is tough. Maybe I need to relax and channel my inner child."

'Your request for a company vehicle has been approved, however, it's not the Cadillac you wanted. Since you need the exercise, you're getting a skateboard.'

'There is not a thing that medical science can do for you. Have you tried 'wishful thinking'?'

"While you were on vacation, Zooker, a motion was made and seconded to saw five and a half inches off your chair legs."

"First destination: the recycling center to get rid of these cans."

Big Medium

"Look, if it wasn’t me and it wasn’t you, who was doing all the snoring?!"

'Guess who I bumped into today? EVERYBODY!'

"I'm here because my vision is getting so bad I can't even see clearly in my dreams at night!"

'My building doesn't allow pets. Do you think the teacher will buy it if I tell her dust bunnies ate my homework?'

'Unknown fact: Cows aren't grazing...they're searching for their contact lenses.'

'Man, when was the last time you had your eyes tested?'

'That's not true, I do listen. I'm just not very interested.'

'Very good, but not quite 'presidential vision'.'

"She's in her happy place again."

'Unknown fact: Cows aren't grazing...they're searching for their contact lenses.'

"He can't come out to play right now...he's working on his autobiography."

"I think an IQ test would be more appropriate at this time."

"My records show we sent your bonus. Have you looked on your roof?"