Humorist Dreaming Pillows

Man trying to get to sleep by counting cloned sheep.

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

Cat with Lion reflection in mirror

"I'm TRYING to extinguish my ego, but I feel so CONSPICUOUS up here!"

"Yo, Ned Beatty, paddle harder if you ever want to kiss me again."

Large print e-book.

'Will you marry me, Gloria?'

He hurt himself taking out the Christmas tree? But it's February! That's not all, he tripped over the jack-o-lantern!

This will really mess with their minds someday.

'Goodbye, dear. This is the kind of day that makes you feel glad to be alive.'

'You say you're having trouble seeing into the future'

"Helen, is it possible that we are using our child as an intimacy barrier?"

I think I need new glasses. I swear I just saw a tiny man jump off your bridge.

"Your problem isn't the prescription."

"Yeah, your inner child called. They want a nap, a juice box, and a restraining order." "Ruining whoops, running a country is tough. Maybe I need to relax and channel my inner child."

A man with notches in his nose for his glasses.

'There is not a thing that medical science can do for you. Have you tried 'wishful thinking'?'

'Your request for a company vehicle has been approved, however, it's not the Cadillac you wanted. Since you need the exercise, you're getting a skateboard.'

"While you were on vacation, Zooker, a motion was made and seconded to saw five and a half inches off your chair legs."

Big Medium

"First destination: the recycling center to get rid of these cans."

'Guess who I bumped into today? EVERYBODY!'

"I'm here because my vision is getting so bad I can't even see clearly in my dreams at night!"

'Man, when was the last time you had your eyes tested?'

'That's not true, I do listen. I'm just not very interested.'

'You'll marry me? Really? Then forget it! I can't be with someone who's standards are that low!'

'Unknown fact: Cows aren't grazing...they're searching for their contact lenses.'

Dating Rule #1. Repeat after me: I need some space. I need some space. Got it. Good. Make sure you tell that to Laurel all the time. But

"Look, if it wasn’t me and it wasn’t you, who was doing all the snoring?!"

'My building doesn't allow pets. Do you think the teacher will buy it if I tell her dust bunnies ate my homework?'

'Very good, but not quite 'presidential vision'.'

"He can't come out to play right now...he's working on his autobiography."

"She's in her happy place again."

'Unknown fact: Cows aren't grazing...they're searching for their contact lenses.'

"I think an IQ test would be more appropriate at this time."