Humanity-focused Professional Pillows

"You know what I think, folks? Improving technology isn't important. Increased profits aren't important. What's important is to be warm, decent human beings."

'What bothers me about these meetings is even though it's work, I have the nagging feeling I ought to leave and get back to work.'

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

"Stock options for your thoughts."

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"My email is down... talk to me."

"This position has become very important to the company."

Businesswoman Empowerment

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

'What sort of mission statement is that?'

Brian wanted to call the presentation "Synergy". Paula wanted to call it "Cooperation". They could never agree.

"Well, ordinary men have colleagues. Successful men have victims."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Give a sh*t" "Don't give a sh*t"

"Yeah, but that one's a little bit hard to reach."

'That's our mission statement.'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'I'm glad you guys could work this out in a reasonable manner.'

Others will fight for you

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

Businessman on stilts: 'I had to step over a lot of people to get where I am today.'

21st century water cooler conversations.

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

Business books - Who's Who & Who's Downsized sections.

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"I've never said this to a woman before, but here goes: We're not paying you enough."

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

"I believe we've found the weakest link."

Boss's Desk Says No!

'Take two tablets the moment you begin to feel indispensable.'

"When faced with a tricky ethical issue, I always ask the question, 'What's in it for me?'"

'No, your guess isn't as good as mine.'

"I don't care if you are the Immediate Gratification Generation. Get out of my chair and back to the mailroom."