House Arrest Pillows

"Ever since your brother has been under house arrest, we always have to go to his."

''I'm under house arrest for six months. It's a lot more fun if you're not already in jail for a bunch of other crimes.'

'I'd explain how the TV, VCR, DVD, surround sound home entertainment system works...but I don't know.'

Water the hydrangeas twice a week and trim as needed. The bromeliad only needs to be high-fived on Saturday, but you can give it high and low fives anytime you have a spare moment. Just, whatever you do, don't give it a "too slow" or it will turn inward and begin shutting down.

'Ron's not drunk - he's pouting because we won't play Pictionary.'

'The roof needs icing.'

"I can tell it's new because it's alive."

"Poop outside and he saves it in a bag. Crap on the carpet and he loses his mind."

"I think we could be very happy here until we aren't."

Monks in monastry dancing, "They're high on apostasy again."

"So, then, I guess the Johnsons are feeding our clothes."

'Occupation? You name it, that's ME.'

Realtors: 'We make house calls'.

Estate Agent - This house that's 'just what we are looking for' is ours

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

Emigrating to France.

"Here's your sweater back."

"This should be cozy. Just let me know if you need an extra sousaphone."

'It's a long and narrow home: A perfect fit for you Mr Eel...'

'...and the property lies in a beautiful valley by the banks of the river...'

"I'm tired of this cave. I want a condo!"

Home Foreclosed Home.

"Who let the dining-room set into the liquor cabinet again?"

"Well of course it's fast food. I cooked it faster than a speeding bullet."

"And that's when they left for vacation!"

'It's a new record, mom - there are six of us in here!'

'This is close enough.'

Although in hindsight, maybe she said feed the cat and water the plants.

"And the bathroom has a water view...if you fill the tub."

'I think you'll find it open and spacious!'

Estate Agent - 'They're all mine.'

It doesn't matter if our house is made out of bricks, we've got a sub-prime mortgage!

House for Sale.

Water the hydrangeas twice a week and trim as needed. The bromeliad only needs to be high-fives on Saturday, but you can give it high and low fives anytime you have a spare moment. Just, whatever you do, don't give it a "too slow" or it will turn inward and begin shutting down.

"This isn't a fixer upper. It's a down-and-outer."