Hospital Residency Pillows

"Okay, I've got lousy bedside manner, but I draw a smiley faces on all your prescriptions."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

The cell phone soother for life.

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

"Remember, if I'm ever on life support unplug me... then plug me back in. See if that works."

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

'Will I live Doctor?' 'Yes, but I don't advise it!'

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

'Your master isn't due for release until the first of the month.'

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

Clown Cheering Up Patient.

'Don't worry about your job at the office, Sweetie. They declared bankrupty today.'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

If these are your medications, what happened to the beads I bought?

Balloon drip.

'It's nothing that a few stem cells and 75 years of research can't fix.'

'It may be more inconvenient, but the 'Reverse Prostate Exam' is a lot less embarrassing for the both of us.'

'Not feeling well? Don't be silly - your EKG has outperformed the Dow.'

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

As a rule, all surprise parties start out with good intentions.

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

'What's holding him up?'

Saline Drip Sommelier.

'I do need your bed, Mr. Davies, for me, I'm shattered after working twenty-six hours non stop.'

'Very funny!'

Mr. Evers specifically asked for a plain coffee, not an espresso.

En garde!

"I can't stay in this hospital bed too long. Everyone will think I'm too old...too fragile...ready for the home. I'm not ready for that!"