Hospital Punster Pillows

"I like when we get organ transplants from New York because they always throw in a dozen bagels."

"Then, right after the operation, they put me in the expensive care unit."

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

Intelligent people laugh too!

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

Assault 'n' Vinegar

"Bad dog! I've told you to always proofread."

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

'It's the report from the consultant. He says we should turn over the turnovers to improve turnover.'

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm the elephant in the room at my company."

Sweep the board.

'Did you watch the horror movie?'

Adam names the animals (He puts sticky notes on them saying Shaz, Dave, Trish etc).

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"Where were you between 4 and 6?"

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

Dogs life

"No chips, but I did snag the new Hiaasen."

'It's worse than we thought: You've got termites.'

Doctor to patient: 'While I'm back here, let's try a little something I learned when I was a ventriloquist.'

Some unusual family photographs decorate podiatrist's desk.

Reptile Class: 'My homework ate my dog.'

'Hi, this is Batman. You've reached the Batcave. I'm not in right now but as soon as I return I'll call you bat.'

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"So is this war movie rated R, rated PG, or rated RPG?"

'He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.'

"You wanted the magic back in our relationship..."

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

Kamikaze Colour

'When I said address the ball I didn't mean like that!'

'Shuck me.'