Hospital Humor Enthusiast Pillows

"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

Surrounded by 'wellwishers' Alan makes a steady recovery.

'I hope these make you feel better, because they're all you're getting.'

'I realize it's a bit strange, sir, but due to the new health information privacy laws, none of us is allowed to know your identity.'

"The important thing is to learn from our mistakes."

"We managed to resuscitate him, but he's still very critical."

'Picked one you like yet?'

"Nobody's picking on you. The injections are to help you get well. I'm sure the nurses don't enjoy it any more than you."

High cost of health care.

'I don't need informed consent to give you a sponge bath.'

"Would you like to buy a raffle ticket?...First prize is a bed on one of the wards."

'Don't look at me! You're meant to be discharged!'

"Congratulations! I think we got it all."

'So, for the next three months while your brain is healing, one of our neurology volunteers, Karl, will be helping you think.'

'It's not that I'm afraid of dying, Doctor... It's just that I don't want to be there when it happens!'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'How the heck could we lose a $14,000 pacemaker?!'

"We're a bit understaffed today, could you be 6 people?"

'Waiting long?'

I.V. snap in elevator.

'That pest in 453 is being discharged.'

'Relax. We had lunch during your surgery. That's a burger, not a gall bladder in the doggie bag.'

"...and how long have you had no feeling in your left foot?"

'If we gave you nice food you may not want to leave.'

'Please inform all of your visitors that video tape of your endoscopy is available in the gift shop.'

"Dr. Williams will be with you shortly. He's consulting with a colleague."

'I'm a practical nurse! -- I know better than to listen to doctors!'

An organ flies across the room during an operation - 'Catch it...!'

'I'd like to be fed intravenously. I've heard about your hospital food!'

'OK this time, but tomorrow you're going on a diet!'

'I came into spray the plants and he fainted.'

'You haven't touched your lunch.'

'You'll be awake during the entire procedure because our anesthetic has been recalled by the FDA.'

"Nurse, when I asked you to make the patient more comfortable I just meant plump up his pillows!"

"Why do you always get to wear the good mask?"