Hospital Humour Enthusiast Pillows

'It's just a simple operation. Routine. Boring. I'm only doing it for the money.'

Please take a number and prepare for and incredibly tedious wait.

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

Swiss army hospital...'scalpel...'

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

Dracula in a Vampire Hospital getting some extra blood from a Human blood drip

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

Robodoc... the NHS surgeon of the future.

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

The operation was going extremely well, but then very unexpectedly, he got trampled.

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

Woman in hospital has i.v. attached to plant.

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

Downloading Pregnancy

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

"Sorry, that's not my table."

'It's nothing that a few stem cells and 75 years of research can't fix.'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'Wow! That was quite some push Mrs Smith...'

'Sorry, staff shortage.'

An organ flies across the room during an operation - 'Catch it...!'

"Nurse, when I asked you to make the patient more comfortable I just meant plump up his pillows!"

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

"When was the last time anyone checked on Mr Klink."

"You'll feel a pinch now and another one when the bill comes."

Saline Drip Sommelier.