Home Upgrade Enthusiast Pillows

"And, in suburban news, construction of the new, attached four-season solarium at 6870 Evercrest Drive continued amid the silent, seething envy of the neighbors."

'Nice penthouse.'

'Don't Worry - They Never Think It'

'The plumber said he can't come right now, but promised to put us on his 'wading list'. Cute, huh?'

"I didn't spark joy."

Why it's bad when home owners change their minds about the bathroom's location late in a building project.

'How do you like my new, deep plush carpet?'

"I just love how wet you've made things in here."

'We've knocked out the interior walls to improve our home Wi-Fi coverage.'

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

Hardware Store Tools Wrench

A DIY disaster.

"No monsters, but there's a tear in the carpeting and I see hardwood!"

"I'm bored - let's buy a house in the country that has lots of problems."

"The white flag means he gives up and will finally hire a professional to finish the renovation."

Your Home Remodel Team

'I'm counter - intelligence'

"Do you prefer the tile engineered to look like wood, or the wood engineered to look like tile?"

'Mom! -- Jeffrey's pimping the wall!'

"It's a miracle I was able to build this desk all by myself. I'm not so handy."

'Have you got one of those things you use to knock nails in...?'

"This condo includes free access to fitness facilities...7 flights of stairs."

'I figure that if I sell just one, I can retire.'

Wallpapering with Nails

"I thought you were out front telling the fence company how to do their job."

Realtors: 'We make house calls'.

"It's not so much a fixer upper as a tear it downer."

Estate Agent - This house that's 'just what we are looking for' is ours

"Okay, I fixed the leaking roof, and I moved the couch over to the far wall, but I'm sorry, I don't unblock toilets!"

Handyman Christmas tree with Tools.

'Old mother hubbard -- your cupboard is now bare.'

'We're waiting for an estimate that doesn't make him do that.'

"When we remodeled, we decided to go with the granite countertop."

TV: widescreen 16x9 versus 4x3.

"Can't we just get some load-bearing wallpaper?"