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Wildlife in Herb's Apartment

'The ghost walks this passage every night Monday to Friday. He has weekends off.'

Leaning Tower of Pisa

"This isn't Dublin. It's not even Ireland. Repeat after me, dear: 'I'll never buy a second-hand sat nav as a bargain again.'"

"The sellers recommended that I burn some sage during the tour."

On holiday...

'All the crabs you can eat, $1.00. But first you have to catch them.'

"Last weekend I went to Orlando for the DisneyWorld re-opening."

'My doctor wants me to cut back on road salt.'

For services to Tourism. . .

Historic and Modern Bath

"He didn't do squat for cats."

'If anybody's gotta go, this is the time to speak up.'

"It's a nice unit, but there may be a faint odor from the last tenant..." "Yeah, enough to make you faint."

'I hope we don't start getting competition from redundant bankers homes.'

"Looks like we'll be going on holiday on our own this year."

"Dad can we stop pushing this backdrop and go on a real vacation?"

Grim Reaper Checkout

"No, sir, this isn't Positano. It's the Jersey Shore."

'Those aren't smoke rings... they're Hawaiian Leis.'

Noah's Ark

Le Roi Kong

'You've been on eBay again haven't you?'

"And this is our extended family room."

"I call it 'Organised Cabinet Number One'."

Foreigners in Paris - Foreigners staring at one another believing the other to be Parisian

You said the house had cathedral ceilings but nothing about a cathedral basement.

'I'll see you guys when you get there.'

'Of course, times have changed. The Earl and Countess now live in that folly!'

'Here comes the stars and stripes.'

"It's closing time and four people are unaccounted for. Start looking."

Crossing the Road

With attendance falling, aquariums are turning to alternate sources of revenue.

"I don't know this guy but right here the dog of a famous celeb has vomited because of too much champagne! See? History is my speciality!"

The popular tourist attraction of England's Cheddar cave paintings.