Home Improvement Specialist Pillows

"This the first time you guys ever installed an above-ground pool?"

"I said to myself, 'Maybe I can't change the world, but I can remodel my bathroom.' "

Hole drilled in floor. 'That's fixed that.'

"Would you like your custom blinds to get stuck on the left or on the right?"

"Hang on- I'm receiving a textured message."

'Not again! Perhaps I should only paint ceilings.' (painted into a corner).

Venting

"Good afternoon Sir. I was just passing and couldn't help wondering if you might be considering new double glazing?"

"They send me in after the works done to handle any complaints."

"With aluminum siding, you wouldn't have to worry about polishing it every week or so."

"I need another can of this."

'It covers well enough, but I found the recommended drying time to be completely inadequate.'

"Wow, you guys really are the home improvement specialists!"

Suburban families on lawn.

DIY information - 'Here you are - look it up yourself.'

"I told you you'd made that cat flap too big."

'I found out how to redecorate the easy way - just call the old wallpaper names and it will come down to slap you!'

Handy Andy / Interfering Ian

'We may knock out a few walls.'

"The latest news on the gardening fashion front is 'Ditch the decking'!"

Insulating the house would cost to much so we insulated Arthur instead.

"I can't believe they don't sell toilets!"

"Here's another can. Try not to step in this one."

"The one's an en suite and the other's a walk-in wardrobe."

"Everything you say (or don't say) matters. Choose your words and intentions carefully."

"No, you still look fat."

Carpet fitter

'All I said was,'do you want decking,sir?'

Old woman in shoe says: 'We can't afford to move, so we're just having a few improvements made.'

New! Paint Bombs: 'Light the wick, and you have paint that's extremely easy to apply!'

Decorative Evidence

'She's a sucker for a sales pitch, buys a stair carpet then has to pay out for a porch extension.'

'He was quite a double glazing salesman!'

'Vinyl siding was cheaper than cosmetic surgery.'

"Be honest...did you actually get any paint on the living room walls?"