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'Next comes the cool part. Grab the clothes pegs. We're going online.'

"The cat told me to eat your homework."

''C-minus'? ??" Do you know how long it took me to find and download this term paper?'

'It must be a problem of interpretation. I've read this book DOZENS of times, and I keep winding up here!'

Instant Laundry Detergent, 'Just add water'.

"Get up at 7; leave for school by 8; no video games until after homework is done -- how about some regulatory relief?"

'I didn't write the book report. I downloaded and printed it directly from the Internet, but I did collate and staple it myself.'

Giving Things Up For Lent.

"If animals can be cloned, why can't homework be cloned?"

'I don't think my homework is very good. My dog refused to eat it.'

'I didn't read that scene, but I did highlight several passages.'

Wallpapering with Nails

"Congratulations, Figbert. I'm making you Vice President in charge of my wife's Honey-Do-List."

"Never marry an engineer."

'I accidentally hacked into Mom's microwave oven.'

"I bought you a cook book. Think of it as technical support."

Seeing the marriage counselor.

2000 words was tough, but doable. Billy would play the picture paints a 1000 words card, twice!

"He downloaded one of those apps that helps you quit smoking."

'I can't make dinner right now - I'm installing new software.'

'You did your book report on the TV schedule?'

Changing the Lightbulb.

Shut Yer Yapper and be Happy, Loser! There's a ton of so-called simple self-help books. The five most important questions: 7 habits of highly effective people: 7 steps to living at your fullest potential. Too many steps! She's going to be filthy rich.

'Clothes-dryer Messiah.'

"Well, last year I kicked gambling. . . the odds are 3 to 1 the New Year will be a good one."

Smoking Cessation Clinic - Formerly The Pub.

Addiction Research Centre.

"Just empty it."

'Scanning articles without finishing them on the Internet is affecting you. You're not finishing anything.'

"That goes to the dry cleaners."

Hacks of the Very Near Future

"He's starting to make coffee in the mailbox, isn't he?"

"You used the right amount of detergent and fabric softener. The problem is this washing machine isn't for dishes."

'I did my part of house cleaning, now it's your time...it's shovel ready'

'Mr. big shot scientist who works 18 hours a day at a prestigious lab developing high strength corrosion inhibitors, but can I get him to spend 2 minutes getting rust stains out of our own tub? No.'