Home Builder Humorist Pillows

'If straw and sticks don't appeal, I do have something in brick that might interest you.'

'...and remember, son, never throw up on an old carpet...wait until they get a new one!'

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

Welcome Association of Stage Builders.

'No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants.'

Building Site - Life Jackets must be worn.

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

Pest Control

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

'The hard hats? In case of falling interest rates.'

'Is the fire included?'

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

'My analysis indicates the need for an asbestos-ectomy, electrical-graphs and a plumbing-bypass.'

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

'Still workin' on the beard, Jerry?'

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

Dave, determined to go green by using only solar powered tools, will hereafter check weather reports before making bids.

'Uh oh, I measured the lumber in feet, but you measured it in metric.'

"That's why safety boots are so important. . . you see? Eddie's feet have stayed perfectly dry."

How to Build a Bungalow

"I think these may be counterfeit bolts."

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

Cost cutting construction ideas that failed: using rhubarb instead of rebar in concrete.

'It seems good, and he said the bit at the bottom is the name of the architect.'

See the house whose property taxes were raised

"No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants."

"I think we can agree that the bridge collapsing is not a good thing."

"We had to put three screws in his neck and a steel plate in his head."

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

'Useful Drywall Screws' next to a huge box of 'Useless Drywall Screws.'

"The piano's in tune, but the house is a little flat."

It looks like wood, but it's actually vinyl siding.

Oh, one door closes, another opens -- How have you been?

"Apparently he told Chris Tarrant it was just enough to pay off his mortgage!"