Holiday Humorist Gifts

"I see. And precisely what methods did you use to determine that my client was a 'bad boy'?"

The Perfect Holiday Card

Non-Denominational Carols

"I'm afraid I made quite a nuisance of myself in here last night."

"Too bad you shredded the gift receipt."

"First of all, this conversation never happened."

"Miss Harwood, please see to it that the halls are decked."

"Lookin' good, Frosty!"

"We spent the summer on the Côte de Jersey."

"Vision: It's what took a small workshop in the North Pole and turned it into the massive global enterprise we know today."

"Remember - any card that sheds glitter gets quarantined in the garage."

"The Internet startup had only enough cash for one more day. But, miraculously, the money lasted for eight days, until more venture capital could be raised."

"They had their names removed using the right to be forgotten."

A sheep, a humming bird and a beetle - 'Baa, hum, bug'

Thanksgiving Boxing Ring

Cloud Cuckoo Land, "Mommy, the partridge has gone from the pear tree."

"If they fit, we can return them."

You know that Santa's on his way. He's Loaded!

Christmas Group Therapy.

'I agreed to guide you, My contract says nothing about pulling a sleigh,'

'For the first time in ages, Rudolph the red nosed reindeer faced some stiff competition from Ernie the energy saving reindeer'

'Hello, is that the temp agency - Now listen, I specifically asked for elves!'

'That's not what I meant when I asked you to carve it.'

'What happend? I thought you went to the dentist for a cleaning.'

'Quack.'

Thanksgiving Turkey Fortune: "Why the silence?"

'If you look at paragraph 23 section 12 you'll see that your comprehensive life insurance does not in fact cover the thanksgiving holiday period.'

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

Dec. 26

'It's strange, but ever since that star appeared I've had this overwhelming urge to go shopping.'

"Last year you failed to bring me a new bicycle. This year, I want $250 for the bike and $50,000 in punitive damages."

Father Christmas's Alternative Sleigh.

'I'm calling you a cab.'

'We should've just dropped off our lists and taken our chances. But no, you had to bring a lawyer into the negotiations.'

"Santa, snow is falling." "Sell snow!"