Holiday Goofball Pillows

The Deaths take a selfie.

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"Honestly sometimes I'd like to pretend I don't know you!"

Shoot For The Moon

"We found three sort-of Earthlike planets around a nearby star." "Do you think any of them have video games?" "I've been trying to work out the odds of an intelligent species arising and evolving thumbs capable of holding an X-box controller." "Proof of video games would change everything." "I wonder what the aliens on those planets consider sexy." "Living beings creating simulated beings they can smash is the hallmark of an intelligent species."

Bug hanging up stockings

Do you think room service could bring me an ice lolly?

"What would you recommend pairing with the school of cod fish?"

'Now dear, it may be Thanksgiving, but stop referring to your aunt's gallbladder as a giblet.'

Don't you yell at him, he couldn't remember where he buried you!

'I'm sorry, Mr. President, he can't come to the phone right now...he's doing that crazy hand jive.'

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

'Waiter, there's a bank in the soup.'

'This next song is called Reindeer farts in my face all night.'

'It's great that you made your own salad, dear, but those aren't croutons, they're dog kibbles.'

'Het Dad, I don't need a bike from Santa anymore. I just found one behind your wardrobe!'

'Irwin! Get your elbow up!...Good! Now twirl the bat, lift your foot up, put one hand on top of your helmet, stick out your tongue and hop like a rabbit.'

" ... And the kids only like me for my presents."

'I think we'll have to call the fire brigade again.'

Frank Loved Bubblewrap

'The special today is scraps.'

Deck the halls with boughs of challah...

'Just what I wanted. Not!'

"This place has the best vegan nachos!"

Modern Day Christmas Carolers

I'm with stupid.

'Remember when we used to call them Wallflowers? The new term is Mingleberries.'

'Can you recommend something pronounceable?'