Holiday Gift Gifts

"Behold the secret to happiness."

'Our first plan of action is to figure out how you can pay my fee.'

A couple looks at posters of Rio, Paris and Tokyo, all of which feature skyscrapers.

Lemon slot machine.

'Moses, you'd better be in that bathtub!!'

"I'm getting the hang of this wake up every morning, and do basically the same thing with different complaints until I die."

Rollercoaster - in and out gates.

A day at the beach

'We always like to give more bling for the buck.'

"We didn't have time to pick up a bottle of wine, but this is what we would have spent."

'We use dialup since it gives us more time to meditate.'

'When you get back, Orville, let's invent the Air Miles program.'

'Hi, we're collecting chocolate-chip cookies for our needy stomachs.'

'I got mine at a garage sale for only 99 cents.'

'I'd explain how the TV, VCR, DVD, surround sound home entertainment system works...but I don't know.'

'Fax toilet paper.'

'This one has been banned in Benidorm.'

Ravens at Tower of London

Customer to airline clerk: 'If I drop leaflets out the plane window, do I get frequent flyer miles?'

"I always know what Harry's going to say, and he always knows what I'm going to say, so, by and large, we just don't bother."

"Gawd Martha, what do they look like?"

I know it's not on the yoga dvd but a spider crawled up my sleeve

"I want a wine that's wise but unassuming, and not ashamed of a screw on cap."

'Hang on a minute...'

"To tourists this just looks like a pile of rotten and damaged grapes. But here at Trendy Vineyards, we look at it and see Special Select Reserve."

Mouse returns home from work.

"It's kind of hard to know where these photos were taken: The backgrounds are very similar..."

When Tia Carmen says... "It's time to eat healthy!" it means... "I'm only using one stick of butter instead of three."

"This is a portrait of my great-grandmother Zulema. Does it look crooked to you?"

"You can already make reservations and travel as soon as climate change has caused sea levels to rise!"

"Do you want to read the menu or just eat it?"

"I'm looking for ground beef that's organic, non-GMO, and doesn't contain meat."

You are now entering the middle of nowhere

'There... if we'd paid out for sun loungers on holiday we'd never have been able to afford this authentic goatskin bedspread.'

"Here's da problem, you folks thought you were booking a 'swim with the dolphins' tour... but in fact you pressed the 'sleep with the fishes' option."