Helpline Operator Gifts

'Samaritans, mission control'

'If you are still on hold, ask yourself 'why'?'

"Your call is very important to us. Please hold the line...for eternity!"

"National Elf Service..."

"For enquiries press 1. For account support press 2. To send a massive bolt of lightning through the chairman press 3."

"You have reached our customer care helpline. Please hold while we find someone less qualified to deal with your query."

"Please stay on the line, your call is very important to us... Yeah, right. Like you're going to believe that."

"It's not just him. The whole system's down."

"I see the downsizing continues."

'Don't ask questions, Ralph, just tell me who you'd rather look like - Sean Connery or Robert Redford.'

"Oh...Hi Bob, listen buddy, I'm in a meeting right now, I'll Caw you back."

"I'll check and see if he's available."

"And His Majesty sends you a great big kiss, too."

Welcome to Yellow Pages, Vermont

Thermidor Dali

"I'm away from my desk or on another line. Please leave a message at the sound of my impersonation of a beep."

"Please stay on the line – your caul is important to us."

TECHNICAL SUPPORT, 'Have you tried pounding it with your fist?'

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

'Don't call us, we'll call you, inc,'

"Your call is important to us. Your estimated wait time is less than five hours."

"I volunteer for the Samaritans. I tried to phone in sick this morning but they talked me out of it."

"China Ministry of State Security Royal Infiltration Training Unit"

"This is a computer speaking. I will now misconnect you and your party."

'Your call is very important to us, so please continue to hold.'

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

Computer tech support sacred offering

Call Center.

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

'Try re-installing your system software and turn off any file extensions.'

"Just a few more minutes. The system's down but we got a guy working on it."

"Operator, I'd like to make a person-to-person call, and I'd like to reverse the roles."

"If you know what you want, please say so now, otherwise listen carefully, because the menu option have changed."

'Hello?...Customer service?...Uhhh...How do you open the box?'

"You have reached the samaritans. If you are a farmer press one, a pensioner press two, small business owner press three...."