Helpline Navigator T-Shirts

"You have reached the samaritans. If you are a farmer press one, a pensioner press two, small business owner press three...."

"Press 8 to be put on hold for what seems like forever...press 9 to phone back tomorrow."

Online form - Submit.

'Quick! We need a bigger chart in here!'

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

"Always remember, sweetheart, that when the service is free, YOU'RE the product!"

'The path to becoming an astronaut is rougher than I thought.'

"Maybe you should go make sure we're in the right line."

Computer: 'There are some things it is better not to know.'

"Ya, right. Who needs a web presence. I'll just compete in the global economy from here."

Hospital Departments

'The good news is that it's not your fault.'

I often thought that I should have been a weaver of words,someone who danced and sang his way into peoples souls and through my imagination led others into a world of dreams and intoxicating revelry...But auditing offered a much better pension.

'If content is king, why doesn't anybody want to pay for it.'

Bob soon began to hate his new anti-spam software.

"You don't use a search engine for an Easter egg hunt."

'We stopped to smell the darn roses here!'

Homeless count.

"And that's our newscast. Don't forget to follow us on the Web for up-to-the-minute reactions of everything we've just told you."

"You had the persistence to wind your way through our labyrinthian phone system to ask for an interview...you're hired!"

"Your son's web presence doesn't make up for his truancy."

"Today I'm going to search and scroll and swipe and binge."

"I volunteer for the Samaritans. I tried to phone in sick this morning but they talked me out of it."

"I see you've arranged your life and business so that you can deduct everything. Do you know the penalty for 'trying to beat the system'?"

'It's a guess. I never said it was an educated guess.'

"Cardiac day patients?"

"Didn't anyone ever warn you about opening an e-mail from someone you don't know?"

"Information highway patrol sir. Can I see your computer driving licence?"

Medicare: More is Better!

"Most of our procedures are out of network."

Your computer is not fully protected...

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

"To hear the sounds of the seas press 1, for all other options, or, to speak with a customer advisor, please press 2."

What passes today for 'nose in a book'.

'You visited those sites we warned were high risk for viruses, didn't you, Jack?!'