Healthcare System Watchers Gifts

'75 of our resources are taken up dealing with the aged and infirm...and that's just the staff.'

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'Long shift?'

'You can tell your grandkids, you rode the most expensive vehicle on Earth!'

"I don't know how to tell you this, but it looks like you have a brain the size of a walnut."

Toxic Waste Lorry/Toxic Additives Lorry

"And once we wipe out the disease, where does that leave us?"

"First you leave me in the waiting room for two hours before I can see you... then you tell me I've got to watch my blood pressure!"

"According to these latest tests, anything can cause anything."

'So far, all I can tell you for sure is how much I've charged you.'

Stafford Hospital - Twinned with Hell.

Minister rubbishes private sector hospital initiative.

"Rumours of a crisis in the NHS are groundless...Spending is up by 2%, management ratios down by 62%..."

"Today we insure every American and end the need for private health insurance."

"You know it's the American drug companies that give you the headache that is cured by the pills they sell you."

Playing doctor: 'This time I get to play the HMO bureaucrat who decides if you live or die.'

'No booze, no red meat, easy on the carbs...I've given up living so I can live longer.'

"I'm writing to mother to let her know how you're doing.Is deathbed one word or two?"

"I'm sorry, Mr Percival, but what you've got is not economically treatable."

"Well, I'll be - he cut and ran."

Hospital: Senior Care/Long Term Care/Who Cares

"Do a double-blind test. Give the new drug to rich patients and a placebo to the poor. No sense getting their hopes up. They couldn't afford it even if it works."

'Now watch carefully. You can learn from my mistakes.'

Cook for 3 minutes stir, wait 30 years to discover if the contaminated ingredient gives you stomach cancer.

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

Weight Loss Clinic: 100% guaranteed.

"Self-distancing from that cake was too much for him!"

"His blood work doesn’t look half as bad as his HMO."

"I'm through playing doctor. With insurance forms, co-payments, and malpractice suits, it's just no fun!"

GPs asked to solve rising obesity levels..."I read in the papers that I'm fat and you've got to sort it out!"

"Those bullet holes are something new, aren't they?"

Next! (liposuction specialist)

"I guarantee that your appetite will be suppressed if you take just one of these diet pills per day."