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The Decafé

Raw food, after you leave for work.

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

'Miss Raleigh. I'm studying megatrends. Bring me some megavitamins.'

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

'I'm taking you off that banana diet, Mrs Smith!'

"It's been 10 years Martha, why are we still eating quinoa?"

"Slow down. I need another drink. Can we rest for a minute?"

Too Skinny, Too Fat

'School of nutrition - as of today: Butter, good...'

'Bad news! More people are switching from red meat to fish!'

"Here's to us, kid—and the healing powers of raw juices."

"CBD… oil… CBD… oil…"

'According to Dr Alvin McDowell, everything that was good for you is now bad for you!'

"We couldn't find a raw-vegan, gluten-free, sugar-free, non-G.M.O. cake for your birthday, so we got you nothing."

"So does this Flamingo diet have any side effects?"

"I got a chocolate bar and gum!" "What the #!@* is 'CBD oil'?!"

"We've gone glutton-free."

'Those are to increase my mental energy. . . Those are a mild sedative to calm my nerves.'

'Now you tell me you've gone vegan?'

"I'm putting you on the 'Zombie Diet'. It's a no-brainer."

"As far as I can tell, meditation is just worrying minus the content."

"How passe, darling, everyone I know is re-toxing these days!"

"It might taste a little different. It's gluten-free slop."

Paleo-to-go

"I'm leaning towards the health benefits of becoming a vegetarian."

A gastric band is meant to go on the inside!

One of several sugar maple trees is labled sugar free.

"Which celebrities do this type of yoga?"

A woman stops at a building directory sign for Centers for Diseases.

"I'm taking out two acres of pecan trees and putting in a fifteen-thousand-square-foot colonic-irrigation facility."

"Your mother eats all the wrong foods."

'You have to go where the market takes you.'

'I've discovered a new diet. I can eat as much as I like but I'm not to swallow.'