Health Fads Pillows

'Enough with the eye of newt. Do you know how many calories there are in newt eyes?'

Raw food, after you leave for work.

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

All Natural Nothing

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

'Miss Raleigh. I'm studying megatrends. Bring me some megavitamins.'

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

"Slow down. I need another drink. Can we rest for a minute?"

Too Skinny, Too Fat

"Did you see that trimmed-up earlier than thou look on her face, just then?"

"Here's to us, kid—and the healing powers of raw juices."

The Chia Pet

"We couldn't find a raw-vegan, gluten-free, sugar-free, non-G.M.O. cake for your birthday, so we got you nothing."

"Face it, Tim, that cute little Pet Rock you bought in 1976 is now a full-grown boulder - it's time to set him free!"

"I don't speak Yoga. I speak Pilates."

"I can't remember if I'm off red meat, or eating nothing but red meat."

"In this restaurant, quality control means I must approve every picture you take of the food."

Formally foods that were good for you.

"It's got my current Wordle winning streak on it."

"So does this Flamingo diet have any side effects?"

"Why did you just dump my kiwi-colada smoothie on my head?" "I'm glad you (huff) asked." "Studies (huff) show that sitting all (huff) day long behind a desk leads (huff) to obesity, sickness, (huff) toe-swelling (huff) and an early, (huff) excruciating (huff) death." "So more (huff) and more (huff) office workers are using (huff) standing desks (huff) with treadmills." "Have you ever (huff) tried handing someone (huff) a smoothie while running (huff) on a treadmill?" "They walk. ...walk."

'Those are to increase my mental energy. . . Those are a mild sedative to calm my nerves.'

"So all these years you never did yoga but just walked around carrying the mat?"

"As far as I can tell, meditation is just worrying minus the content."

Paleo-to-go

"They harvest our noses then liquify them and drink the juice. They believe it gives them special powers called 'antioxidants'."

"I don’t care what you read on social media, I cannot prescribe chocolate mini eggs to help with your weight loss!"

"Which celebrities do this type of yoga?"

A woman stops at a building directory sign for Centers for Diseases.

Jesus turns water into Vitamin Water.

The Decafé

For Witches of a Certain Age

'I think your overdoing the pineapple juicing!'

"I'm a big devotee of fasting."