Health Compliance Jokester Pillows

'Do you know how unsanitary that is? She's serving all of this without gloves or a hairnet.'

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'Take two and call me from the Emergency room.'

'Could you stay out of the room for awhile, Nurse? -- Every time you walk in here, his testosterone levels surge.'

'I just came back from the allergist. I'm allergic to life.'

Pharmaco. He writes drug side effect warnings. Ah, a health scare provider.

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

'Brain surgery, Harold? Have you lost your mind?!'

'Call the health inspector! The kitchen has a Brussels sprouts infestation.'

Maintenance & Repairs. No wonder health care is so expensive, they told me to take to tablets every four hours.

"Next time you give CPR try not to use your tongue."

'So did you want the ectomy, or just the otomy?'

"We'll get your food going as soon as the exterminators are done in the kitchen."

'You'd better stick with blurry eyes, anxiety attacks and hallucinations, because he drug prescription, I'd give,shows even greater side effects!'

'Pistachio ice cream does not cpont as a serving of greens.'

' ... and a side order of statins.'

'I have to ask; do you really care if your double-cheese bacon sausage pepperoni pizza is gluten-free?'

'I don't need a bed pan, but an oil pan would be nice.'

"This IS our diet pizza. As I told you, it's a hole pie."

"The bad news is my doctor limited me to one glass of wine per day. The good news is I get to pick the glass."

'You've got Finklestein's syndrome!' - 'Are you Finklestein?'

'No! Not the second pair of gloves...'

'...time you had your ears syringed?'

Am I in good shape, Doc? If you think "spherical" is a good shape. (Published originally on January 9, 2014.)

'It's just hot dogs. What does the health department care about hot dogs?'

'Maybe I've got washboard abs underneath - you ever think that?'

Hospital Reception - Ring for assistance

'I'm trying to watch my weight so I hope that's low fat!'

'The doctor will see you shortly. Try not to disappoint him.'

'You passed the physical, but your underwear is on the critical list.'

"Why can't we have a proper stairlift?"

'I've got to watch my health - I'm Type 2 diabolic!'

"Ah-ah-ah! - Just one symptom per customer!"

Podiatry. If the frostbite was any worse we'd have to amputate. You just barely stayed out of the "toe away" zone!