Health Compliance Jokester Pillows

'Do you know how unsanitary that is? She's serving all of this without gloves or a hairnet.'

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'Take two and call me from the Emergency room.'

'Could you stay out of the room for awhile, Nurse? -- Every time you walk in here, his testosterone levels surge.'

'I just came back from the allergist. I'm allergic to life.'

'Call the health inspector! The kitchen has a Brussels sprouts infestation.'

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

'Brain surgery, Harold? Have you lost your mind?!'

"Next time you give CPR try not to use your tongue."

'So did you want the ectomy, or just the otomy?'

'Pistachio ice cream does not cpont as a serving of greens.'

'You'd better stick with blurry eyes, anxiety attacks and hallucinations, because he drug prescription, I'd give,shows even greater side effects!'

"We'll get your food going as soon as the exterminators are done in the kitchen."

' ... and a side order of statins.'

'I don't need a bed pan, but an oil pan would be nice.'

'I have to ask; do you really care if your double-cheese bacon sausage pepperoni pizza is gluten-free?'

'No! Not the second pair of gloves...'

'You've got Finklestein's syndrome!' - 'Are you Finklestein?'

"This IS our diet pizza. As I told you, it's a hole pie."

"The bad news is my doctor limited me to one glass of wine per day. The good news is I get to pick the glass."

'...time you had your ears syringed?'

'Maybe I've got washboard abs underneath - you ever think that?'

'It's just hot dogs. What does the health department care about hot dogs?'

Hospital Reception - Ring for assistance

'I'm trying to watch my weight so I hope that's low fat!'

'The doctor will see you shortly. Try not to disappoint him.'

'You passed the physical, but your underwear is on the critical list.'

'I've got to watch my health - I'm Type 2 diabolic!'

"Why can't we have a proper stairlift?"

"Ah-ah-ah! - Just one symptom per customer!"

Dr.Bernie Curtin, Proctologist.