Health App User Pillows

'If you want to get a second opinion, I'll ask my smart phone.'

"Approaching 10,000 steps."

"I swapped my 'couch to 5k' training app for a '5k to couch' one!"

'We don't have a cure for your ailment but there is an appropriate app available.'

Feel alienated by technology? Tell me more. Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

'I told you not to look up your ailments on the internet' - computer screen reads 'You have 3 days to live',

Full System Scan

"I have to tell you, I got a totally different diagnosis from someone named PookyPoo on medi-answer.com."

"And more intriguingly, your prognosis differs depending on which search engine I use."

"I wanted crisps but this assessed my body mass index and gave me an apple ..."

"Hang on - I'll Uber us a school bus."

Woman and scales.

That's my diagnosis. If you want a second opinion, I will ask my Smart Phone

'This new diet drug comes as a pill, patch, or as a phone app with Siri saying, don't eat so much.'

"I've been using the latest home tech and apps to monitor my health....And after feeding the results into some online medical sites I discovered I was dead!"

'I was going to buy a hot tub.'

"All this time I've been dealing with sharks and polar bears to get food. I should've been using Uber Eats a long time ago."

"What? The goal wasn't to see it go down, just not to see it go up."

'I have yopur lab results. Some of your readings are too high and some are too low. No, they don't balance out.'

Obesity problems in the UK.

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

Body weight app on mobile

"I run a weight loss site, and my friend here runs a bodybuilding site."

I burned 3200 more calories yesterday than I consumed!!! You went for a long run? No. Oh. Well you must've followed my usual regimen: cross-fit, a few hours of weights … followed by several hours of evading jealous boyfriends. I forgot to enter the calories I consumed into my fitness app. You'd be surprised how many calories you burn evading buckshot.

Cyber-Cise: 'Let's start with 3 sets of 8 reps of uploading, rest and repeat for downloading.'

'It has been one of those days when every patient has read the same medical article in Reader's Digest.'

Life before fitness trackers.

"So, how do you like your new medical website?"

"The doctor says your vital signs are strong, but the IT guy says your portal password is weak."

"When I said I needed to look at your diet I meant a list!"

"That's my diagnosis, and don't waste time looking it up. I've already consulted with Siri and Alexa."

'Me? I thought I was paying you to watch my cholesterol!'

Man is dumber because of his smartwatch.

"This app alerts me when I'm being selfish, unsocial or temperamental. I need to change my personality, because it alerts me every minute of the day."

"Well, if you followed me on twitter, you'd already know your diagnosis."