Headwaiter Pillows

'I understand the new usher is in the restaurant business.'

'Texting or non-texting?'

"How can you be out of wings?"

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

'A cheeky red?'

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"The fish sticks here are very good."

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

Diner.

"Even the waiters here are organic."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

'Your French dip, sir.'

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

'We have 800 beers on tap. If you want to hear all of them, you'll have to get here earlier, we close in six hours.'

'You complimented the chef on his dumplings -now he wishes to return the compliments!'

'‘Because I said so' or ‘Just wait until you have kids of your own' section?'

T-Bones STEAK House...NO sissy salad bar!...Heimlich expert always on duty'

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

Kung food restaurant (Waiter flies through the air bringing the food).

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

'Do you have any catsup?'

'I want to make a positive environmental statement - What do you suggest I order?'

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

'My diet's good...I'm two weeks ahead of schedule.'