Headline Junkie Pillows

"How many times have I told you not to watch the news before bed?"

Trial by Media

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

Department of No One Could Have Anticipated.

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

Trump Administration Raising White Flag in Ukraine

Who will determine Venezuela's future?

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

Squeezing the Free Press.

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

Trump pardons

"What I do is pick up the morning paper, go through it carefully, and then, depending on how I feel about things, I either say the Pledge of Allegiance, stand there and do nothing, or walk out of the classroom."

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

"Who's got the hammer?"

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

"Well, how do things look from where you sit?"

Airline Debts: Layoffs to help us stay afloat.

"Away with the warmonger!"

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

"Excellent, excellent. A fine blend of truths, half-truths, and blatant falsehoods."

"See..? We told you there was nothing there..."

The economy.

"...And do you Sean Spicer take Kelly Anne Conway..." "The marriage of alternative facts"

Donald Trump Removing Aggressor Label From Vladimir Putin

Difference of Opinion

'Fred, I want you to sanitize this, punch it up, dumb it down, leak it to the media and then be fully prepared to deny it!'

Studies show foods work miracles!

'I think I'll stay in and try to catch up on my reading.'

CIA report

'Thank heavens! For a minute there I thought it was the news!'

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."