Handiwork Humorist Pillows

"Just so you understand in advance - we're not old-time craftsmen, and we don't take pride in our work."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

"With strong winds battering the country, the Met Office have issued an amber wig wearers warning."

'I think you should seek treatment for that Lego block obsession of yours!'

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

"You mounted the mirror upside down, Harold!"

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

"Wow! That's an amazing welding project!"

'No it's still not fixed'

How to Build a Bungalow

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

"While you were on vacation, Zooker, a motion was made and seconded to saw five and a half inches off your chair legs."

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

"I hardly think you can call waiting for updates to install doing nothing!!"

Elwood 'I Can Fix This Myself' McGrunzen

'We decided to rent out the back room until the baby comes.'

DIY Store "I don't know why we come here..."

'Just so you know, leaning on a rake and looking at the sky is not 'yard work', and thus may not be entered into your 'I do so help around the house' defense.'

'There's nothing romantic about not being able to mend a fuse at your age!'

Carpenter

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'Now where did I put my knitting needles?'

"So I said 'Would it kill you to do a little yardwork?'"

Hardware - "Where do you keep the elbow grease?"

"My records show we sent your bonus. Have you looked on your roof?"

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

'That must be the termite inspector.'

'That's not what I meant when I asked you to add a second bathroom, Roger.'

Goofy builder.

Department of Geography: Latitude and Longitude.

'I just find it interesting. You remember everything except where your dirty clothes go.'

'I forgot to close the door?...Seriously? Who puts a door on a hole?'