Guru Vibes Pillows

'No, you're not developing a third eye - it's just a zit.'

"Thank you for letting me listen to my oldies. Let's start with some Jimi Hendrix."

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

'Hey! Contemplate your own navel!'

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

'Let's start out with cliches and pithy slogans - and work our way up to wisdom ...OK?'

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Guru.

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

'I don't give advice. I'm only up here because it's safer.'

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

'Now, until you've attained perfect wisdom, you'll have to learn to evade questions.'

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

OM, SWEET OM

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

Bearded old man atop mountain.

Sport, Political, Religious and New Yorker Cartoonist Gurus.

'Come back in two months the meaning of life can change, depending if the market is bullish or bearish.'

'I don't offer any free advice anymore. I am offering a self-help seminar and a motivational coaching program online.'

'See what happens when meditation isn't supervised?'

'...Stop trying to funk it up.'

The Music Lover.

'Oh wise one - what is the secret to long life?'

'Sometimes I think about getting away from all this and get a job as a cab driver in New York city...'

"I'm referring you to a specialist."

The Guru is away to negotiate movie rights for his best-selling book, 'Money Won't Make You Happy'."