Guru Vibes Pillows

'No, you're not developing a third eye - it's just a zit.'

"Thank you for letting me listen to my oldies. Let's start with some Jimi Hendrix."

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

'Hey! Contemplate your own navel!'

'Let's start out with cliches and pithy slogans - and work our way up to wisdom ...OK?'

At the 2021 Religious Games

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Guru.

'I don't give advice. I'm only up here because it's safer.'

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

OM, SWEET OM

'Now, until you've attained perfect wisdom, you'll have to learn to evade questions.'

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

Bearded old man atop mountain.

Sport, Political, Religious and New Yorker Cartoonist Gurus.

'Come back in two months the meaning of life can change, depending if the market is bullish or bearish.'

'I don't offer any free advice anymore. I am offering a self-help seminar and a motivational coaching program online.'

"As for the meaning of life, it doesn't have to suck."

'Sometimes I think about getting away from all this and get a job as a cab driver in New York city...'

Just think of meditation as "mental floss." (Published previously on 3/17/2006.)

The Guru is away to negotiate movie rights for his best-selling book, 'Money Won't Make You Happy'."

The Music Lover.

'...Stop trying to funk it up.'

First you say I should "know thyself" and then you tell me to extinguish my ego!

"I'm referring you to a specialist."

'Oh wise one - what is the secret to long life?'