Grants Advisor Pillows

"Don't put your mother on the page, Miss S. Worthington"

Procrastinator Foumdation: 'We're putting off the decision to fund you for at least another month...'

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

'We grow our food, have solar energy, use bikes instead of car...now if we could only stop buying knickknacks!'

The Canary in the Coal Mine

"I finally got tenure by publishing a research paper funded by a grant about subsidies."

'I don't believe it - if this evidence is correct it'll rock the very foundations of our research grant application.'

". . . We're being sucked into the UK national debt!"

"Congratulations Professor, the committee 'okayed' your grant request."

'I've been in Washington for 30 years, and that's the biggest rathole I'VE ever seen!'

'Agreed. We fund only those proposals we can understand.'

Great moments in science. . . 'Nice work, you've isolated the funding gene.'

Poor vs Rich

The nonprofit dog fight.

"Does he have to do that every time he gets a little grant?"

"I'm not going to shoot the messenger, but I'm also not going to renew his grant."

"Dean Williams, the grant committee approved my research grant to determine how many research grants are a waste of government money!"

"We're sure we've got the right numbers... Now we just need to work out what order to put them in!"

"Hello sir? I believe your name is Grant. Would you mind if I ask you a few questions about yourself?"

The blue-collar diner for white-collar people...

"What are we doing wrong?"

He's got 'I'm in grant renewal heaven' all over him.

'The increased child tax credit is supposed to stimulate the economy...so how about a raise in my allowance?'

Citizens' Jury - 'The jury thinks you should get rid of Citizens' Juries.'

'If this warning label on cigarettes packets doesn't stop people smoking, nothing will.'

Chère Maman

Latest science behind social distancing advice

"Our funding runs out in a month. Will everyone please think a little faster?"

'Congratulations. You're our 15th caller. The grant is yours!'

Grants Office Scientific Research Section.

'Just between you and me, we were counting on a big stock market rally, so Wallstreet could bail out the government.'

"I need this grant to start my chicken farm."

'Great news, Gran'ma! I got a grant to study wolves in your woods!'

"Higher learning gets higher each year."

How to win Genius Grants for Dummies!