Gourmet Wordsmith T-Shirts

"The menu simply says 'Fried Fish.' I'm waiting for you to provide the lyrical description."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

Rejected Titles For The Canadian National Anthem.

"‘Extra vile old ox’? No, sir – it stands for ‘extra virgin olive oil.’"

Deep in the heart of the RAND think tank, the world's greatest scientists would gather to brainstorm Batman's fight sounds.

"If x is the set of all men that love you, then I am a member of x."

I think you're ace

"Oh, sorry - Open Sesame, PLEASE."

Spiritualism: Meet the Authors.

"Let's see. Seuss... Seuss... Here we go. That's a medium box of bagels and lox and a pop on the rocks by seven o' clock."

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

Best Seller

I don't want a story that helps kids make sense of the world – I want a world that lets kids just enjoy a nonsense story.

"If Sinatra had eaten here he'd have loved it."

Mother Goose's Haiku

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"Remorse sits in my stomach like a piece of stale bread. How does that sound?"

Intellectual Foreplay...

Shakespeare Ave

Novelist, writing her own vows... runs into writer's block.

Olden Day Battle of the Bands (Bard vs Sonnet).

A bar selling 'crafty' beer is more popular than a bar selling 'craft' beer.

Writer and his Muse on a cookout.

'You use the former when wooing your beloved and the latter during negotiations with your divorce lawyers.'

A Poet

"I love you a bushel and a peck. How else?"

"I'm the writer-in-residence."

"I just got a huge advance for my first novel. It's about a writer who gets a huge advance for his first novel."

"I had no idea. You mean I'm a dog?"

"I think that I shall never see a lawsuit lovely as a tree." "Don't go soft on us, Lenny."

'Unlike Wall Street, with its strict rules regulating insider trading, 'Love Street' remains un-regulated, and I'm pleases to let you know now, before the official announcement, that the position of Rolf Fusco's girlfriend is open.'

'I heard it through the grapevine.'

Tom Stoppard

'I hear he's quite a recluse - doesn't even have a blog.'

"It's not a real company, it's a shell company."