Gourmet Fan Pillows

"Could sir kindly eat more slowly, the signature dish takes a rather long time to make."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"You're the lid to my pot."

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

Before/After

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

Too much cilantro

The Main Types of Cheese

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

To do before Saturday...

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

Holiday Supplies

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Is this still America?'

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

Cheese

"They always throw us stale bread, so I've decided to bake my own, fresh break..."

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

"The bagels are better in New York."

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

"This place is famous for its short fiction about food."