Goal Maverick Pillows

"Resolutions? pfffft. . . just chewed mine up."

"Well, it's unanimous. Instead of going out of business quietly, with dignity and grace, we've decided to end things killer asteroid-style, taking as many of our competitors with us as possible!"

"Just one more thump. . . just one more thump."

Guitar Man.

'I'm not motivated by profit, Henderson - I'm motivated by excessive profit.'

Popera!

"It's somehow comforting to witness a revival of the classics in motivational technique."

A woman watches football on her computer.

'No Mis Evans. You know only substitute teachers are allowed to carry taser guns!'

'No you idiot! You're supposed to smash your guitar AFTER the show! What are you going to play now?'

Hacksaw Violin.

Santa Metal Claus

"Mmm... now WHERE did i leave my radio..?"

Hip-Hopalong Billy Bob blamed the censors for killing the country-rap scene.

Boy who has been to the dentist

They just found two more dark moons around Uranus. Are you winding up to some sort of sophomoric joke? No, they really do think they found two new moons there. Kind of suspicious, if you ask me. As long as I can remember, Uranus had 27 moons, and the Solar System had 9 planets, including Pluto. Now those numbers change all the time. Next thing you know, they'll be telling us we have to Uranuses. Yeah ... pretty sure you're winding up to some sort of sophomoric joke.

Lionel Messi

'Well excuse me Mr. watch me pound on a hollow log!! I just thought our sound could use a change!!'

Gym. I'm not sweating --- My muscles are crying!

'I know.. Let's write a song all about the evils of material wealth. After all, that last one netted us a bloody fortune!'

You know that symphony I wrote in GarageBand? It drops next week. You're invited. Symphonies don't "drop," little buddy. Rock albums "drop." R&B "drops." Symphonies "debut." And they usually debut in concert halls, with live musicians. Where's your symphony debuting? Anybody-can-upload-anything-for-people-to-download.com. I wonder if I can get my tux pressed in time.

"No, Billy, I don't play the horn anymore. I just like to take it out every once and again so's to give an old friend a great big tallywhack on the head!"

"Do we still have a copy of the pep talk I gave on that day?"

"This isn't going to work - I'm rock n'roll and you're waltz time!"

'Okay, so we're 4 and 8 this season. Take away those 8 losses and we're undefeated!'

Pentagon Science Contest: 'I get that a lot...must be from being in the presence of raw genius.'

Putin and Xi Jinping on the moon

'Dave dropped out. He had chest pains and trouble breathing. They think he may have competitive heart failure.'

Woman with CS Gas while man watches football - "This is for if there's any crowd trouble."

'To be honest, rock n'roll isn't my thing at all, I'm much more a country n'western kinda guy.'

'He's not a doctor or an athletic trainer. He's not even a coach!'

'Coming to you live. Straight from his last job. Let's have a big round of applause!'

If Bernie Ecclestone does not get his pound of flesh from Montreal, the Canadian Grand Prix will not roll.

'Every year, I make a New Year's resolution, but I never stick to it, and it's embarrassing when people ask me about it...this year I'm just going to lie through my teeth when people ask.'

"He writes all the time - OK, so it's mostly in the margins of library books. . ."