Gleeful Parent Gifts

"Unfortunately, at this age I express glee and stark raving terror in the exact same way."

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"Look Mommy, hat!"

Striving to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels, scientists attempt to harness the energy of a toddler's tantrum.

"OK. . .stain, aspirin, water tablet, B12 vitamin, and whisky."

"It's a postmodern mosaic, almost lyrical in its undercurrent." "My five-year-old will be happy to hear that."

"Mom! Don't think of me as covered with sand. Think of me as sugar coated."

'She's just great with the children.'

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

'I was an egg in the Easter play.'

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

"I'll be a little late. I'm working a double shift."

'I go to St. Patrick's Church, I go to St. Patrick's School, and my name is Patrick. Is it also necessary for me to eat green food?'

"I told you. . . use your inside miming."

"Werewolves of London..."

Pappa clown views offspring in maternity window.

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

"Have mercy on me, Mama. Have mercy on Mr. Pitiful."

'Care to gaze upon the peaceful blanket of snow before I send the kids out?'

'If you can keep him clean for a day you can sleep in his bed tonight.'

'Where do I put the batteries?'

Baby tells other Baby to call.

'A generous layer of vaseline makes an excellent tickle repellent!'

What do you want, the moon on a stick?

"I never subscribed to Hobbes' state of nature theory until the night we left the kids without a sitter."

"You have a co-pay...two cookies and a glass of milk."

'We're playing trampoline, mom.'

Real Estate Krisp Flakes: Location! Location! Location!

'Look Daddy: I'm wearing Mummy's shoes...'

The Yummiest Mummy in the Village

Circus Act

"Well, my dog cleans himself that way!"

'Hi Dad. I want you to meet Mr. Hacketal, my attorney.'

"Wheeeeeeee!"