Girly Chat Lover T-Shirts

'I hate to take a problem to bed with me, but my husband refuses to sleep alone.'

'I don't like Gerald as a person, but I like him as a concept.'

Woman on the phone.

Boys and Girls: Differences in Internet Surfing.

'I see an applicant being hired!'

'Who's a pretty boy! Is that all you've got to say?'

'Did you get through to the speaking clock, Dear?' 'Tick and tock and tick and tock and tick...'

"You had too many characters in your last tweet."

"Your being boring, stuffy and predictable is part of your charm."

'As a teleworker Colin sometimes struggled against feelings of isolation.'

'Fill 'er up!'

'Life! Give my conversation liiiife!'

"Instead of careful interpretation of the prose, maybe try pronouncing even the most basic words like an insane person?"

The social isolation of the entomologist...

'Oh, yeah?...Well, no one has to follow me around with a pooper-scooper.'

"Would you describe your gall as mitigated or unmitigated?"

"Don't stare at his massive claw. . . don't stare at his massive claw. . ."

"Are we talking about life style or orientation?"

Mysteries of the ocean...

"Actually, I'd love to work on Mars, but it's a hell of a commute."

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

'What are you doing at the weekend?'

Wow, that's really a thing of beauty! Have you ever thought about being a uvula model?

"Yes, crazy does sometimes beat sane... but rarely during a job interview."

'It's carpal tunnel syndrome. You're going to have to quit your job working the bleep button for the Jerry Springer show.'

So! Graham Greene.

"You're not holding up your end of the conversation."

'So, you going anywhere nice on your holidays?'

'If I don't love you, Susan, why'd I call you during anytime minutes instead of night and weekend minutes?'

"It went blank, then I missed Oprah, figure out the rest!"

"Here's what I want to say, Tony: You, me, everybody in our industry can make a difference. There, I've said it."

'I daren't take my hat off - If I do, the voices in my head might escape!'

Christmas Party Pick-up Lines.

'By the way, I usually sneeze in twos. So that's another interesting thing about me.'

In his speeches, the shortest distance between two points is about forty-five minutes. (Published originally August 16, 2007.)