Germaphobe's Greatest Gift Pillows

"Because Santa doesn't like his end of our gift exchange. I bring kids toys and they bring me flu-bearing germs."

The Cougher

"That's odd. I visited an antibacterial soap website, and my computer got a virus."

The new normal

Two people in hazmat suits lie in bed

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

'Gesundheit.'

HELLth Food Sprouts

Superbug Research Go For It / Got it

Wash your hands

"No Hand Sanitiser"

'I cause sneezes.' 'I cause fever' 'I cause that 'I don't know- I just don't feel too good' feeling.'

'I hope what I have isn't catching.'

"We're gonna make, Rose! Keep washing your hands!"

ABC Vice Company: Employees Must Squash Hands Before Returning to Work

Soap Versus Coronavirus

'We've got a new DNA database...'

"Maybe a little inconvenient, but not a single case of the flu in the entire office."

Want to hear a secret? Every time they put a nut in my mouth, I give it a little lick.

"Aways the victim."

"That's a semi-private room for you. You caught his, and he caught yours."

Zika Epidemic

Shaking hands will transfer bacteria

'I'm afraid you've got a computer virus.'

"Why don't I start you off with the contact information of everyone who's read those menus over the last 14 days?"

"Think it can last 20 seconds this time?"

"No, I'm not able to transplant your computer's antivirus software into your body. Try washing your hands more often."

"Ouch!... That hand sanitiser is a bit feisty..."

'If I keep bringing diseases home from school, maybe I shouldn't go to school.'

'Quit being a baby- go see doctor Brown, and let him shoot you full of something!'

Caveman bathroom

Wearing radiation suits to clean the toilet

"We might be in trouble – the environment people have cited us as a hazardous waste site."

'Well doctor, is it serious?'

Fair readers, please accept these personal tips for remaining healthy and germ free. Public service announcement! Keep your stress low. Exercise, eat right, hydrate and try to get a little affection in your life, if you get my meaning. If you use someone else's computer, wipe down the keyboard with alcohol to kill the germs. Ditto with the mouthpiece of a borrowed cellular phone. Don't touch anything or anyone. Bathe yourself in hand sanitizer. Don't leave the house, and if you do, don't inhale