Gavel Gourmet Pillows

"I find your ruling on the avocado-grapefruit-and-pomegranate salad overly narrow."

"Your Honor, prior to sentencing, if it please the court, I'd like to make just a few brief remarks about pâte brisée."

"Just one more outburst and I can have this chicken tenderized."

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

"Everything on our menu uses organic, locally sourced, graveyard-to-table ingredients."

The Origins of Everything

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

"Objection! Pummelling the witness."

'Whatever he's eating.'

Justice 4 Ron

'Don't blame the lawyer!'

"Everybody's doing quinoa—at least Kamut still has a nice grainier-than-thou quality."

"The Bluetooth Special comes with a side order of Wi-Fi."

"I really wanted to get you off but I didn't want to make a mockery of Justice."

'We the jury find the defendant very, very, very, guilty.'

''Not guilty'? -- oh, in denial, are we?'

'Tell the truth: does this affidavit make me look fat?'

'After counsel said, 'You did it', the defendant said, 'Did not', followed by a, 'Did too'. . .'

"If the 'Disorderly Conduct' charge is dropped, your Honor, my client will plead guilty to the lesser charge of 'Zany Antics'."

Pay Cut for QCs: 'I put it to you that this strikes at the very foundations of justice!'

Gross! Get you external hard drive off the dinner table!

'We're ready to order... ORDER!'

'I wonder how my husband is managing at the construction site with my gavel.'

Pizza-Matic

"It needs a dash of gravel, I reckon."

'I can't make dinner right now - I'm installing new software.'

Supreme Court. It's either constitutional or unconstitutional - We don't use a scale of one to ten! (Published previously September 25, 2006.)

Other than a high chair, what qualifies you to sit in judgment? A lethal gavel.

'Our new product has increased growth in our legal department.'

Judge knocking at 'audits' so that 'CPA's' lose their money

'I predict they go with an insanity defense.'

"Overruled!"

"Your Honor, all this pretrial publicity has made my client look fat."

'Honey, I think you have an error message coming in from the kitchen.'