Gavel Guru Pillows

'In the future, let's go with 'the court is now in session' rather than 'let's get ready to rumble'.'

'Our new product has increased growth in our legal department.'

'Don't blame the lawyer!'

Pay Cut for QCs: 'I put it to you that this strikes at the very foundations of justice!'

"Now tell me your legal problem very slowly, with every detail, no matter how irrelevant. Feel free to digress, babble and, especially, backtrack."

Automatic Arbitration

''Not guilty'? -- oh, in denial, are we?'

I could only get a settlement of £50,000 and you get some of it.

"Objection! Pummelling the witness."

"Either we change the name order or one of us has to go."

'... Good trial!... Good trial!... good trial!... Good trial!...'

'I know your client wants a jury trial, but we can't come up with a jury. People are too busy.'

Barristers playing leap-frog

A lawyers view of the world

'Tell the truth: does this affidavit make me look fat?'

'I'm afraid Ill have to disqualify myself from presiding in this case- I can't stand bald-headed men with moustaches.'

Judge knocking at 'audits' so that 'CPA's' lose their money

'Would my learned friend go through it all again - I appear to have dozed off!'

Businessman at meeting with mallet.

Supreme Court

"That 'cruel and unusual' rule sure stifles my creativity!"

'I predict they go with an insanity defense.'

'I knew it was illegal, Your Honor, but I had no idea you felt so strongly about it.'

"Have you ever just blurted out a plea and then wished you could take it back?"

'I wonder how my husband is managing at the construction site with my gavel.'

'It's the first one I ever chased.'

'The verdict in a moment, but first I would like to say a word about my operation.'

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

Supreme Court. It's either constitutional or unconstitutional - We don't use a scale of one to ten! (Published previously September 25, 2006.)

Do you realize that the only thing separating us is this gavel? If you're not careful, it will be the thing connecting my hand to your skull.

Where do you buy all your cool judge stuff, your honor? Gavels "Я" us.

Don't make me come up there.

Down by Law

"I-800-DOGYLAW"

'Going...Going...Gone! Sold to the lady with more money than sense.'