Gastronomy Critic T-Shirts

"The chef would like to thank you for filling in the questionnaire and after watching you on our CCTV, he has these comments for you: You all chose the wrong wine and cutlery with your food and...'"

'Is that the food or is that the service?'

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

"The fish sticks here are very good."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

'Oh, and I suppose I'm the only one who's ever heard it's a 'dog eat dog world'?'

6 Brothers Falafel

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

Newton discovers gravity and apple sauce in the same day.

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

View to the Future

"Something romantic, perhaps?"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"Rump roast?"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."