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"Well, you're no masterpiece yourself."

"This one I feel like protecting, the others I don't."

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

'The way the eyes follow you is uncanny.'

Nothing like traveling hundreds of miles to immerse yourself in art for the sole purpose of killing time between meals.

The Rise of Modern Art

'Number two. That's the art that offended me.'

'Wow, talk about genius!'

Art Gallery.

"By 'genius' do they mean the artist or the marketing department?"

Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!

'It was restored just last year, and changed from an abstract painting to a landscape.'

'He knows everything about art. But he doesn't know what he likes.'

Private Viewing

Morning and Afternoon Paintings

'How can they call it modern art when it's 100 year's old?'

'I agree, this artist will go far and he should start right now!'

"That must be the artist over there."

Woodworms at a sculpture gallery.

"I'm not an Antony Gormley, I am Antony Gormley."

"I like it, honey ... it speaks to what a waste of time your MFA was."

"This piece resembles my subconscious desire to draw spirals on a big piece of paper."

'No, no....You have it all wrong!'

Francoise Gilot

"An overload -- even this is beginning to look like Kitsch."

"Do I need to know this stuff to get into medical school?"

"I like it, Julian — it speaks to what a waste of time and money your MFA was."

'You're no Pollock.'

The less one gets it, the more it's art.

"Your painting is both original and good. Sadly, the good bits are not original and the original bits are not good."

"It's a great work!"

Understanding art.

"While, yes, I could produce those strokes, I lack the context to position an image in the ongoing conversation of contemporary art as enclosed by capitalist forces."

Jackson Pollock - "Oh no! Someone's thrown paint all over it!"

'Poor thing. He got left out in the acid rain.'