Funeral Services Analyst Pillows

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"It is now that moment when a close family member tries to speak of the deceased without choking up."

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

'Oh no! I forgot to change his ring tone to the funeral march!'

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'

"Hope you don't mind—it was his last request."

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

"Just to be clear, you want suicide doors installed on your hearse?"

"I know I agreed to hold a funeral for Wendy's goldfish...but did she have to ask Reverend Clark to officiate?"

'She was always very proud of her figure.'

'Yes, we can easily place a gallon of Rocky Road in with your husband.'

'You'd look good in that.'

"You fool! This isn't embalming fluid, this is my coffee."

Bug Funerals

"It's nice, but how do you adjust the sleep number?''

'I tend to bury stuff.'

'I wouldn't be seen dead in a cardboard coffin!'

". . . ashes to ashes, dust to dust, a handful of ground coriander, the zest of a lemon. . ."

"The doctors said it's just one of the side effects of the medication he's on."

Dog Park and Pet Funeral Home.

"Will that be all, sir?"

Gravedigger

'I want to be buried in the smoking section!'

"Maybe I should have gone with cremation."

"She looks so natural, although I prefer cremation."

"We were out of embalming fluid so we stuffed your wife with wild rice."

'Benny wanted a closed casket service...but, since you traveled so far to be here...I can give you a quick peek for ten dollars.'

'While we didn't see Bill Brewster here in his lifetime, it's good to see him here in death. Uh, let me rephrase that.'

The final stage of Terminal Political Correctness.

Undertakers' supermarket.

Equestrian Statue Meanings.

"We're about to go live. Prepare to mourn in 10. . . 9. . . 8. . ."

Funeral Directors signs say 'Sale - Shop till you drop!'