Funeral Services Analyst Pillows

'Can I interest you in our frequent shopper discount card?'

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"It is now that moment when a close family member tries to speak of the deceased without choking up."

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

'Oh no! I forgot to change his ring tone to the funeral march!'

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'

"Hope you don't mind—it was his last request."

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

"Just to be clear, you want suicide doors installed on your hearse?"

"I know I agreed to hold a funeral for Wendy's goldfish...but did she have to ask Reverend Clark to officiate?"

'Yes, we can easily place a gallon of Rocky Road in with your husband.'

'I tend to bury stuff.'

'You'd look good in that.'

Bug Funerals

'She was always very proud of her figure.'

"It's nice, but how do you adjust the sleep number?''

"You fool! This isn't embalming fluid, this is my coffee."

'I wouldn't be seen dead in a cardboard coffin!'

Dog Park and Pet Funeral Home.

". . . ashes to ashes, dust to dust, a handful of ground coriander, the zest of a lemon. . ."

"The doctors said it's just one of the side effects of the medication he's on."

"Will that be all, sir?"

Gravedigger

'I want to be buried in the smoking section!'

"She looks so natural, although I prefer cremation."

"We were out of embalming fluid so we stuffed your wife with wild rice."

Equestrian Statue Meanings.

At Salvador Dali's funeral,

'Benny wanted a closed casket service...but, since you traveled so far to be here...I can give you a quick peek for ten dollars.'

'While we didn't see Bill Brewster here in his lifetime, it's good to see him here in death. Uh, let me rephrase that.'

The final stage of Terminal Political Correctness.

Undertakers' supermarket.

"Maybe I should have gone with cremation."

"We're about to go live. Prepare to mourn in 10. . . 9. . . 8. . ."