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'I planned to have him cremated - but you know me, always changing my mind at the very last minute.'

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"It is now that moment when a close family member tries to speak of the deceased without choking up."

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

'While I'm here, what are your favourite hymns?'

'Oh no! I forgot to change his ring tone to the funeral march!'

"He intends to die with dignity, he desires a modest funeral, and he's determined to prevent the buzzards from getting any part of the estate."

"Given a choice, would you prefer to be buried, cremated or converted to fossil fuel?"

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

'How about June? -- I've always had June weddings!'

'You look lovely darling, but it's a bit over the top for a first date. . .'

"You mind? I'm starting a blog."

"When I die, I'd like to die having sex..."

A signaller directing pallbearers

"What do you mean, what's my favourite hymn?"

"I know I agreed to hold a funeral for Wendy's goldfish...but did she have to ask Reverend Clark to officiate?"

"It's just that they usually ask for their ASHES to be scattered!"

'I tend to bury stuff.'

'Do you think there's anything after death?'

'Yes, we can easily place a gallon of Rocky Road in with your husband.'

Coffin floating out of outflow pipe.

'He arranged it himself. Let's face it he really was the skinflint's skinflint...'

'You'd look good in that.'

"I want my ashes scattered over Bergdorf's."

"He will be remembered by his Google Assistant."

'If we do meet again in the after-life, you don't know me, o.k.?'

"The doctors said it's just one of the side effects of the medication he's on."

"I knew it was a mistake to order our wedding cake from your ex-husband's bakery!"

Sympathy Cards

"Hell of a way to end the summer."

"Of course, in life he was allergic to them."